The Things with William

Sometimes it makes me wonder where did this girl go? Seems like the fun part of myself is missing somewhere in this adulthood. I miss the part of me who's always happy-go-lucky, who's always having some crazy ideas coming up, who's always so fun to be with. Who has taken the part away from me?

Why should I deprive myself from happiness? I hate to admit it but the name William does trigger a spark of interest in me. I don't feel like elaborating it here when my purpose of blogging it to lay out what is on my mind and not to derogate someone and also not to make myself look foolish. However, I come to realize that the more I care about what's going on on his mind, the more negative my feelings are.

Yesterday, on the fateful afternoon, Alan spilled out some news about his roommate. This sounded like:
Alan : I don't know what happen between you and my roommate.
Li Chin : Why?
Alan : When I asked him to come down for dinner that day, he asked who am I eating with. I told him with you and he replied that he would take his dinner later.

I felt angry with tinge of sadness in me. But then, the sadness was overwhelming at the last 30 minutes before my next class. I contacted Arul and she came immediately to the campus. I'm lucky in that sense that I have a reliable friend that share the same thoughts like me. Arul questioned me a few questions that I was dreading to answer. In fact, I'm never good in expressing myself. I just feel insecure telling anyone my feelings because I don't like people viewing me as a weak human-being or even a loser.

During my two-hour class, I managed to push the thought aside and plastered on my stone-face. It was a very successful attempt in which Alan did not feel the rage and the sadness in me till he blurted out about William again on our way back to our residential college. I felt the pure intense anger coming out from my own mouth in which I told Alan not to tell me anything about his roommate again. My blood was boiling all the way back to college and was so relief that my roommates were not around. I threw my key on the table and it hit on the surface really really hard and somehow it left a mark on the table.

My head was heavy. There wasn't any tears flowing out from my eyes. I just saw them welled up in my eyes but feeling as if my tears were flowing inside. Never before, I felt this angry. So, I went to the hall to get my dinner to eye-balled everyone that crossed on my path. I was furious. I chewed on my rice like I was chewing him.

It hit me hard that things really have changed. From soon-to-be boyfriend and girlfiend to friend. From friend to best friend, best friend to friends, friends to friends with drama.

I need to talk to him before things get out of hand. Confront him about everything and also to tell him things I have always wanted to tell him. It is the time to come clean to save or put a halt on our friendship because the huge drama is draining my energy. I will do it after my exam so that no matter what decision we make, there is a whole 2 months for us or just me to recover.