Friday, 26 October 2007

The Determination Jab

It's one of those days I am missing him again. I already have injected myself with the determination jab to forget all about him but to no avail. Gosh, I'm being so useless, so futile. I'm hating every seconds of him cramping my head with the image of him.

Out of the blue, I logged in to Friendster to get a glimpse of him. My head screamed me to get outta there but my mind asked me to see the whole of his page and it hurts me. The best of it is that it ain't that hurt compared to the time i was in form 6. That's an improvement right?

What are you to do or feel when someone you still love and had been in a relationship with you told you that he can't stop missing is ex (not referring to me...but a particular girl). It made my heart wept when I was sitting there watching someone I love so much telling me he's missing his ex. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them anymore. That happened in Form 6.

I am a girl who doesn't know how to expressed my feelings. That's my handicap (is the spelling right? who cares..) and that cost me to lost someone that is so significant to me. If he ever get to read this page, i just wanna tell him that just because I don't love you the way you want me to, doesn't mean I don't love you with all I have. To you I might be one person, but you're the world to me.

What changes that this page can make? It's pointless i guess. My friends are saying that my love for him is just a puppy love. But if it's what they call a puppy love...i should have moved on easily right? Like i've said in my previous blog, I'm still staring at that pile of sand. Can't seemed to move on. Is not that I'm afraid to let go what seem to be so significant to me, but I just couldn't seem to forget about him.

What joy is joy if thee be not by? I'm sounding so poetic right now. Perhaps I should just knock my head really hard on the wall and lost all my memories of him. I know, i know that i shouldn't have wasted my time waiting for someone who is not willing to waste his time on me. Perhaps, i should not cry because it is over, smile instead because it happened. Maybe I must not try so hard, they say the best thing happens when you least expect them to happen.

I better increase the dosage on my determination jab.

Saturday, 20 October 2007

Relationship Complexities

Relationship is like a grain of sand. If you held it tightly and try to possess it, it will slip through the first crack it finds.

It may seem easy to keep the sand remain in your hand at the beginning just like a relationship. Along the way, if you see it as something treasurable, you feel like possessing it and you don't want to let it slip away. You held it tightly and it slips through without you noticing. By the time you notices that all the sand you are holding are getting lesser, you are paranoid that things are getting to late to mend.

In a relationship, we learn to see a person's imperfection as something perfect. In other words, we are all looking for perfection in imperfection. That's when we demand and expect changes in our partner because we feel like they belong to us.

That's the mistake we all make in a relationship. Love is about give and take. Try to give but don't expect much in return. Love is a two-way street, it takes two to make the relationship works.

Just like the grain of sands held by you, when you noticed it is getting lesser and lesser, u might just want to all of it to slips through or you may want to put it all down and pick more of it with your hands. That's when in a relationship you choose to let go of it or you put in much more effort to make it works.

Today is one of the day I'm missing him again. I am wondering what he's doing in Russia. I had let all the sands to slip through my fingers but I'm still looking at it. It is mocking me! I'm free but why can't I just look at other things but only the sand?

Friday, 19 October 2007

A Fable

Weedy was the only weed growing at the backyard and was surrounded by other flowering plants. Weedy felt inferior with his own beauty and thus he grew up with intense resentment towards other plants that are all proud of their beauty. "It is because of all your beauties that make my beauty not appealing to others!!!" said Weedy.

Driven by jealousy, he decided to inhibit the plants' growth by slowly sucking up their nutrients from the ground beneath their roots. At an early age, he sipped the groundwater and tied up the nitrogen gasses more than other adult plants. Needless to say, Weedy grew up to become a giant weed.

Weedy hated the roses plant so much. He stemmed over beside the red rosy plant. Day after day, he sucked very hard for all the nutrients till the roses have none nutrient left for the plant to survive. He proudly watched the stem of the red rosy plant turned brown and one by one of the flowers fell to the ground and finally died of malnutrition.

Weedy slowly stemmed over at the daisies and tomatoes. He continued his ruthless campaign everyday till all the plants were gone from his eyesight. There, standing glorily at the backyard was Weedy the weed.

Soon enough, Weedy grew up becoming a huge, bitter-looking weed all by himself. He was feeling lonely. His life was meaningless, there was nothing more for him to look forward to - no other plants to kill or any plants to talk to.

He was in depression. Weedy stopped all the water supply to his vessels. What was the point to live? Finally, he wilted. It was pride before a fall.

In reality, most humans are like Weedy the Weed. Everyone is competing with each other to be the survival of the fittest and to dominate other people. But what's the point if people are alienating themselves from you? Is there any happiness when all you've won is just pride alone? If only humans can exist together like all the 7 colours existing in the rainbow then the Earth will be a better place to live. Afterall, no man is an island.