Don't Even Stop By And Read This

They said you write better when you experienced something yourself because it will stay vividly in your mind. I had finally come to a point where I feel like mutilating myself. Life has taken a toll on me although it seems like yesterday I was writing down my resolutions aiming to do better this year. Like what Thomas Hardy felt, life's bleak. You can plan something but nature takes its course.

My post might reflect that I am quite pessimistic in nature. I can never understand why failure sometimes might be a greater gift than success. Austerity is never a way of life for me. I have expectations and I know my strengths and weaknesses and I certainly don't need someone to remind me of my weaknesses all over again. Please, I don't need to be knocked down twice. It's painful till the point that putting oneself in front of a speeding truck seemed less awful.

I feel so down and yet so angry today after my last lecture. Blood was boiling in me and I was practically steaming. Screw those people that say when you feel suicidal, talk to someone! When you talk to someone about stuffs that are bothering you, it only seems trivial to some of them unless they have expectations like you do.

My thoughts about self-mutilation and suicidal might be a destructive one but on the other extreme end of thoughts, great people have more destructive thoughts than others because of the expectations they have for themselves. And yet, having these thoughts do not mean they are no brainers that do not value life. It is just because they fear nothing, not even death but only failures.

My only question is, would you let someone with destructive thoughts to lead your kids? Like me, I'll be a teacher and the future of some younger generations are depended on my teaching. Would you want me to teach your child?

2010 Resolutions

Alrite!!! It's the festive season again. Merry Christmas everyone!!! How I hope I can feel the snow with the touch of my hands right now. No such luck. It's Malaysia. This place is either covered with the sun or the rain. Nevertheless, without the snow, the reindeer, elves, Santa on the street, we are still able to feel the joy of Christmas right? Cuz the merry thoughts, time with loved ones and other things that money can't buy are the basic ingredients of Christmas.

2009 is almost coming to its end. It's funny to me that 'year' actually has life-span. Well, it's funny how I put it to sound like. It's the time for me to review the things I have achieved, lost, gained thus far. To be frank, I actually lost quite a lot of money with me being such a spendthrift, gained quite a number of friends but not boyfriend :( and achieved those things I've never thought to achieve.

Last 2 days, I was so high on caffeine that I had such a hard time persuading myself to sleep. So, I ended up rummaging my books cabinet to look for the resolutions I wrote down during my years in high school. They are:
1) I will get straight As like what I got in my PMR.
2) I will get rid of my pimples and be more beautiful than xxxx xxx xxx.
3) I will not make my room messy.
so on and so forth until I reached an unrealistic one and burst out laughing.
10) I will walk like a model.
Gosh...what a killer!!!

I guess growing old makes us focus on the things that are significant to us. Somehow I realized the stuffs like walking like a model isn't going to take me anywhere far. I think I am hit by the quarter-life crisis, where all I am thinking now is how to nail that job, get the car, the Masters, the money. And yet, I know I should not be bogged down by all these. All that I am after is life full of laughter which means meeting up my own expectations and doing something great for others.

Li Chin's 2010 Resolutions
1) Write a superb thesis.
2) Buck up for my teaching practice.
3) Get better GPAs.
4) Speak like an English.
5) Get rid of my shyness.
6) Make more time for friends and family.
7) Save more money.
8) Better complexion.

I have noticed that I don't feel sheer happiness in my life in campus. I need more love and to get more love is by giving out all the love I can give. By that, I don't mean getting a boyfriend for myself. I mean having some time with family and friends, giving out to charity and helping those I am able to help. I don't want to live solely by achieving my goals cuz I'll just be another undergraduate raking up my grades, another dancer with the focus to get it right, another human being on the rat race. I need to stop, think and breathe. Hug my friends, feed the poor cuz love doesn't give only to those who are able to give but rejoices in giving to those who can't.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.

The Future

Constrained by the four walls in my room, my mind wandered aimlessly beyond the darkness in my room. The immeasurable darkness stimulated me to think more in-depth about my future. Wondering about that always gives me a headache. I mean how am I to know what job would probably land on me right? That's why it's called the future. It's not called the FUTURE for nothing.

My mind loomed around aimlessly. A degree in bachelor of education set me to think what has the future installed for me aside from being a full-time educator? Journalism? That area sparked up some hopes for me since almost everyone seemed to agree that I'm brilliant in my writing. Sparked up, in past tense, cause the elective course is only offered in the first semester and for the first semester of my final year, I've to do my practical which means I don't really have a chance to prove myself that I'm a potential journalist. Thumbs down for moi. I have always wanted to write articles for CLEO. Guess now I have to put my dream to rest. Unless I am able to send in a few drafts to impress them that I'm all good for the job.

Or, I can be the 8TV's Quickie Host if they still have a vacancy after my graduation. I know I'm talented because I dance around openly with my bunch of crazy friends in my faculty. Talented, that's not the right word for it. It should be crazy and the best euphemism for this adjective is talented. Future employer won't hire people that put crazy on their resume. What am I thinking!!! I know I am good enough but still I with Krashen's affective filter hypothesis. Being with people who are on par with me or even better only make me nervous (affective filters are up) and thus affecting my performance. I'm a victim of my own fear. If only I learn how to channel this fear to something more productive. I can always threaten myself, "Li Chin, you're gonna look bad when everyone looks good...Do you even want that to happen?" And I have a bad threatening skill...

Or maybe I'll just be a teacher. Go to a school and teach. Give some tuition and get extra money. Do some charitable work by giving free tuition to those who need it. Afterall, that is what I have promised to my late father if I get to set my foot on any varsity.

##This post is not edited cuz it's my ranting...##

That Red Cheongsam

Today, I donned myself in a beautiful, red cheongsam belonged to my mother when she was at my age. I chose to blog this not because it was my first time ever donning on a cheongsam. It was more than that-- something more valuable than the feeling of the expensive silk on my body. It was nonetheless the picture of my mom's physique when she was an adolescent. A realization that we share so much more than that dark brown hair and short eyelashes, but almost the same figure. Looking at myself at my own reflection, was like seeing my own mom when she was younger.

Undoubtedly, sometimes differences set us apart. Differences in thoughts are the most obvious one. When she drove down to Kuala Lumpur to fetch me and my loaded luggages, we argued a lot about which way to take in order to be on our journey back to the resort we were staying. Luckily, all those heated moment are always short-lived. Throughout my years in my high school, the essays about social problems among teenagers were compelled to write, made me realized now, the stupidity of some teenagers that are unable to see pass those emotional roller coaster they are having in their mind. If only they are able to see clearly how family are related more than just the genes we share, maybe news about teenagers running away from homes will not cloud the pages of the newspapers again. It takes time to realize this, like me taking time to realize that my mom and I share so much in common.

Lastly, I have to admit that, for once I am proud that I have inherited the small waist from my mom. That cheongsam most probably looked tight on some parts on my body because sometimes assets evolve and becomes better from generations to generations :)And looking at her now, is like looking how I'd most probably look like in years to come. Ahh...

Curls Cuz It's Sexy!

The thing about human is that they are fickle minded. I am a great embodiment of this trait.


I have been wanting curls for my hair since I graduated from Form 6. Before the semester break, my wish was granted although it's a little late cuz I had been waiting for this change of hairstyle for 3 years. Hilary Duff looks great with either her brunette curls or her original blond curls, Piper Perabo in Coyote Ugly was ever sweet with her loose curls, I bet she's still sweet now and Olivia Wilde is stunning with loose curls too. Whoa, who am I kidding? They are celebrities. They always look great!!! While me? I know I can carry all kind of hairstyles as long as my hair is long and my fringe isn't too short. Above was the hairstyle after a few hours of my newly permed hair.


Last semester break, I'd been interviewing almost everyone about permed hair. How manageable is it? Will those products like hair mousse, gel, hair spray, etc strip away all the moisture making the hair dry? Do you like your hair straight or curly? So, this was how my hair looked like on the third day. While taking this picture, I was actually reminiscing back to what my former schoolmate, Thiam Hui told me about permed hair. She said her hair actually looked like crazy woman after she woke up from her blissful sleep. At that moment, contentment was all that I felt that my hair didn't actually turn out like what Thiam Hui had described. That was only on the third day though. 2 and a half day to be exact.


On Thursday evening, all hell broke loose. Nightmare crept in. I received a last minute message from my friend about the gathering at night. Every girl wants to look at their best when meeting up with their former schoolmates right? So, I wore the blouse that always looks good on me. Unfortunately, that didn't do the trick. Hair was the problem. I wet my hair hoping that the water would re-energize all the chemicals on my hair. Gosh, no matter how I twist, it was still omigod bad!!!


The next day, my loose curls reared its ugly head again. On the fifth day, I was so tired of my hair. I finally got the feeling of bad hair day. All these while, I inherited my father's hair gene-- straight and manageable. I regretted that I permed my hair, stripped my hair from its right for moisture. It was dry and brittle and limp! Lifeless...


After washing my hair, I took the hairstylist advice to blow dry my hair but then all my curls became frizzy. Again, I experienced some sort of ugly hairstyle. My mom even asked me, "Hey, didn't you comb your hair?" I answered, "Um...nope. I'm afraid my RM250 hair won't be curly afterthat. That salon is is PJ so I'll have to waste another RM44 if I were to take a bus to KL to get my hair fixed." The above picture was actually taken after I learnt how my hair should be treated.


My confident smile showed that I was actually satisfied with how my curls turn out. It was actually quite different from the first day but it was still better than those days I experienced bad hair days. It was indeed beautiful.


Now that I am satisfied with how it turned out to be, I am ever grateful that I permed my hair in Jaya One with a student price of RM250 with treatment and haircut. The whole procedure of hair perming was actually quite funny though. I actually forced myself not to laugh when my head looked as if it had been attacked by a big giant octopus. No offence to the hair salon.


What he did was actually set perm. Yes, it's a he. I was actually enjoying the 4 hours being at the salon with a male hairstylist playing with my hair :) He used the big curler and then attached it my hair to some sort of machine to heat my hair causing the protein structure (keratin i think, if my knowledge of Biology is still good) in my hair to change. And that's why my head was like being attacked by a black octopus. The tentacles I imagined was actually my strands of hair.


I went to Element (name of that hair salon) for this. Right now, I'll only put on mousse when I am going out for an outing or when I feel my hair needs it or otherwise my hair will be hard and dry. I'll settle for Schwarzkoph hair serum now. Healthier for my hair, happier for me :)

So, if my hair turns out different every time I wash my hair, it's great right? Yeah, definitely! A reassuring word from me.