Monday 17 March 2008

Being Who I Am

Being who I am is definitely nothing to be proud of. I'm a TESL student and as a TESLian there are some expectations we are supposed to meet. This process of meeting expectations is really depressing me since I'm not an all-rounder.

I'm from an english educated school. People expect me to speak good english. I feel challenged and I really feel the pressure. When you can't handle your pressure, chances are your self-esteem will go down and you find yourself losing aim.

Unfortunately I am like that now. I'm losing the confidence I used to have in my school days. I'm trying to speak good english but I can't because I'm worried that I will look foolish if I make any mistakes. I can't hold a good conversation ... I'm nobody now ... I don't even know who I am anymore.

Being judged by someone who's more superior is not a stroll in the park. I hate it when people who are obviously good in their English throw their weight around by joking at my stupid mistakes. I really hate this situation but is a realistic world, things like that happen all the the time.

I am getting so mixed up to the point that I don't feel like doing my assignments anymore. I am feeling so stressed out. I can't sleep well. At this rate, I might as well declare I have early signs of depression.

However, I'm so good at masking my feelings and no one knows what's going on inside of me.