Wednesday, 6 January 2010
They said you write better when you experienced something yourself because it will stay vividly in your mind. I had finally come to a point where I feel like mutilating myself. Life has taken a toll on me although it seems like yesterday I was writing down my resolutions aiming to do better this year. Like what Thomas Hardy felt, life's bleak. You can plan something but nature takes its course.
My post might reflect that I am quite pessimistic in nature. I can never understand why failure sometimes might be a greater gift than success. Austerity is never a way of life for me. I have expectations and I know my strengths and weaknesses and I certainly don't need someone to remind me of my weaknesses all over again. Please, I don't need to be knocked down twice. It's painful till the point that putting oneself in front of a speeding truck seemed less awful.
I feel so down and yet so angry today after my last lecture. Blood was boiling in me and I was practically steaming. Screw those people that say when you feel suicidal, talk to someone! When you talk to someone about stuffs that are bothering you, it only seems trivial to some of them unless they have expectations like you do.
My thoughts about self-mutilation and suicidal might be a destructive one but on the other extreme end of thoughts, great people have more destructive thoughts than others because of the expectations they have for themselves. And yet, having these thoughts do not mean they are no brainers that do not value life. It is just because they fear nothing, not even death but only failures.
My only question is, would you let someone with destructive thoughts to lead your kids? Like me, I'll be a teacher and the future of some younger generations are depended on my teaching. Would you want me to teach your child?